Why We're Doing It

For those who don't know, here's a little insight into why we decided to invite Dee Dee to come live with us.

1) Her happiness. Gardenview was good. She got plenty of food. They were very nice to her. We really have no complaints. Dee Dee certainly never complained. But every time we dropped her off after taking her somewhere, she was obviously sad. When she was at our house, she enjoyed just hanging out in the kitchen with whomever, talking or not. As long as she's with family, she's content.

2) Her finances. I don't know particulars, but I got the sense that Gardenview was expensive, and Dee Dee would need to sell her house soon to pay for it. She still has expenses living with us: home health people who bathe her 3x a week, for example. But as I understand it, living with us is far cheaper than living at Gardenview.

3) Our Christian obligation to take care of our parents. After we had made the decision, we ran across this article from Christianity Today. It's called 'Honor Thy Father' for Grownups. The paragraph that really stood out for us was this one:

The generations handling care for dying parents are facing something their ancestors never did. They're part of smaller and less-stable extended families. They're less likely to live near their parents—sometimes they are thousands of miles away. And the amount of time spent caring for elderly family members can extend from a few tough years to many difficult decades. Even the strongest families will be stretched to the limit when attempting to fulfill the commandment to honor one's parents. So what do you do?

You take care of your parents.

Basically, just because it's hard doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

4) Do you have relatives who are hard to get along with? Of course you do. Everyone's got some little quirk that annoys you after a while. And if you get to know someone well enough, eventually they'll get mad at you for some offense. But not Dee Dee. I've never seen her get mad. She is a remarkably kind woman. That made the whole decision a lot easier.

5) If I'm really honest about it, I would also add this one: We didn't think it would be that hard. Dee Dee had been living on her own and only went to Gardenview because she needed to recover from a stint in the hospital. She dressed herself, fed herself, etc. But as it turns out, she does all those things with only about a 75% proficiency. She needs more help than we thought. It's still manageable, but it's more work for us than we thought.

So here we are. So far, so good.

An example of a morning discussion

Michele: Good morning Dee Dee. [She is heading into her room and, I thought, towards her closet.] Are you planning to get dressed now?

Dee Dee: No, I'm going to get a drink. My throat is really dry. Did you know that I built this house? [referring to our house]

Michele: Really?

Dee Dee: Yes, I own this entire block and all the houses on it. It will all be yours someday, so start looking around for a house that you like.

Michele: Well, I like this house.

Dee Dee: Oh, this one? Well, okay. They will all be yours. You see, I worked all the time when I graduated from high school, and Harry had his severance pay from the army, so we had plenty of money to buy this block and build all these houses. It was a nice start for a young couple.

[A brief interlude of ten minutes, in which she gets dressed and I type the first half of this post. Then I re-enter her room.]

Dee Dee: So you didn't know I built this house, huh?

Michele: No, I didn't. I thought you built the house on Forestate.

Dee Dee: No, Forestate was when I was in high school. That was a looong time ago.

Michele: Well, I thought you got the house on Forestate when my mom was in high school.

Dee Dee: No, that was this house, that we're in now. Forestate was when I was in high school. My brother was in high school there too.

So, this is a somewhat surprising discussion in which I realize, at least for this moment, my grandma can't distinguish the house that Brian and I bought last year from the house that she built with Papa and lived in for 40 years.

The upside of this realization, I suppose, is that our house clearly feels like home to her, and at this point, that's what is most important.

Girls' Night Out (G.N.O.)

The other night, Sabrina wanted to go to the library for some new books. Brian and the other girls were staying home, so I gave Dee Dee the option of whether or not to come with us. She was eager to go. When we got there, Sabrina disappeared over to the kid section, and to pass the time, I directed Dee Dee over to the large print section.

We scanned the shelves for any titles that looked familiar to her, but to no avail. Eventually she picked up a Nora Robertson novel off the shelf, and I asked her if she was able to read it. She opened it up and started reading aloud.

A couple of details you should know:

1) Dee Dee speaks in one volume. This volume applies equally at home, at a noisy restaurant, in church, or in the library.

2) Dee Dee is capable of reading, but her eyesight has deteriorated to the point where even large print books are difficult for her.

So she read aloud (and when I say aloud I mean loud). She read about half of the words correctly, and the rest she substituted for words with similar letters. Or sometimes she would latch on to one word in a sentence, and create a new sentence apparently out of thin air using that word.

This could seem like a sad thing, but actually it was hilarious. Sabrina had rejoined us by this point, and she and I were practically splitting our sides laughing. But we weren't laughing at Dee Dee; she knew she was being funny. The sentences she was spouting made absolutely no sense, but she read and read, almost a page in all.

At one point, I heard a throat clear in the aisle behind us. I'm not sure if it was directed at us or not. Likely so, but Dee Dee was too endearing for me to mind much if we were a bit disruptive.

We finished the outing off with ice cream from Dairy Queen, where the mood remained festive. All in all, a great girls' night out.

Sleeping and eating...and sleeping...and eating...and sleeping again

Dee Dee got off to a good start this morning. She woke up around 9 am, got herself dressed without any prompting from me, and then proceeded to the kitchen and fixed herself frozen waffles for breakfast. This was a first - I didn't help her at all!

However, for the rest of the day she has done nothing but sleep. Ace came over today at 12:30 to take Dee Dee out to lunch and do a little shopping with her. Ace finally had to wake her up at 2 pm, at which point they went out to Steak-n-Shake. By shortly after 4:00 she was asleep in her room again, and I had to wake her up for dinner. And immediately after dinner, she disappeared once again to her bedroom, where she is currently sleeping soundly. She didn't even stay long enough to keep me company while I cleared the table, which as I've mentioned before, she usually enjoys.

When awake she seems to feel fine and have a healthy appetite, but she has not really interacted with us at all today outside of mealtimes. I am hoping that everything is okay.

(7:40 pm Dee Dee woke up to use the restroom. When she returned to her room, I went to check on her and ask her if she was okay. Clearly thinking it was morning, she told me that she went out but didn't see anyone else awake, so thought it was too early to get up. When I mentioned that she had been sleeping a lot and asked her if she was feeling okay, she explained that she was just tired because she had been up so late dying Easter eggs. When Audrey heard this reply, she sat processing for a few seconds, then said to me privately, "I think she's confused again.")

Michele's First Post

Today marks the two-week anniversary of Dee Dee moving in with us. It sure has been an interesting two weeks, filled with laughter at Dee Dee's ever present sense of humor, to dismay at the things I am realizing she cannot do, to joy at just being with her and seeing her happy.

She loves to be helpful and not to be a burden. All of you who know Dee Dee know how true this is. We are striving to find ways to let her be helpful in ways that are appropriate to her abilities. So far, I let her fold all my laundry. She LOVES to do this, and it occupies hours of her time. I alternately keep her company, and keep the laundry advancing, and it has been so fun just hanging out with her. When we chat over everyday things, that is when she seems the most like her old self that I remember growing up with.

When I am handwashing dishes, she likes to dry them for me. I bring them to where she is seated at the kitchen table. Today, I realized afterward, she opened up paper napkins and set them underneath each dried dish on the table, to keep the table dry just in case the dishes were not completely dry. When I took the dishes and put them away, she spent five minutes refolding the napkins and carefully aligning them with the rest of the napkins in the holder.

Another thing she tries to do in order to not cause me extra work is to carefully wipe off her plate at the end of a meal with a napkin, declaring it perfectly clean, and telling me it should go back in the cabinet; it doesn't even need to be washed. I thank her and take the plate from her, but she does not notice that it ends up in the sink rather than the cabinet as she had requested. Hopefully she never gets around to putting her dishes away herself! (Today she put her iced tea mug in the freezer by mistake and the bottom broke off of the mug when the tea froze - the girls were fascinated and delighted with this and Louisa spent twenty minutes licking the iced tea popsicle.)

Dee Dee likes to keep me company whenever I am in the kitchen, but apart from that, unless otherwise invited, she spends all of her time dozing in her recliner or on the family room sofa (or using the bathroom). I am trying to find ways to engage and include her and stimulate her throughout the day. Today I got out a deck of cards and retaught her Solitaire. I needed to remind her of the rules, but much of it came back to her and she seemed to really enjoy it. At the end of the game, reorganizing cards from descending stacks of alternating color into ascending stacks by suit was a skill that was just about perfectly suited to her current level. She concentrated carefully and managed to figure out (for the most part) what she should be doing. She won the game with only a little bit of inadvertent cheating and seemed quite pleased.

So it has been interesting learning how to live together with Dee Dee. In many ways things have not changed at all. She has adapted beautifully into our daily routine, or lack of one, and is just so happy to be here. She is so sweet and we are happy to be able to help make her happy.

I Heart Handicap Parking Tag

I tell you, this handicap parking tag is AWESOME! Today, we took Dee Dee out to White Castle* and then to Twin Oaks Park. Driving around with that tag makes me feel like a VIP. At the park, for example, there are parking spots up a hill and about 500 feet from the playground. But with the tag, you get to go in the drive that says "NO DRIVING! (except handicapped and emergency vehicles)". Sweet!

* Her suggestions are always, in this order: Pasta House, Steak 'n' Shake, and then White Castle. Pasta House, of course, is super expensive. Last time I went with her, she ordered toasted ravioli and then chicken Marsala. It came to about $25 just for her. She ate the TR's and then didn't touch the chicken. So I try to steer her towards the cheaper options when I can.



This picture reminded me of Star Wars, whenever you see R2-D2 walking along and he encounters a step.


We really wanted to take advantage of today's exceptional temperatures. When we left the house, it was 71° and overcast. You couldn't ask for more perfect Dee Dee weather than that. We parked at the park, walked to the playground, then Dee Dee said it was too cold, then we walked back. :) So much for the perfect weather. She had a sweater with her as well, but to no avail.



Louisa by the waterfall

Twin Oaks is a tiny town of about 300 people right next to Manchester. But because they have so many businesses within their city limits, they have tons of money. This park looks more like the Botanical Gardens than a typical municipal park.

Now we're back and Dee Dee pretty much went straight to her room to take a nap. A well deserved one, I might add.

Bachelor Living

Michele and the girls are out shopping, so I'm home alone with Dee Dee. That doesn't happen much. But it struck me that she doesn't let me help her like she lets Michele help her.

Dee Dee wanders into the kitchen. "Dee Dee, can I get you a snack?" "No, I'm full. Thanks!" "Can I get you some iced tea or a soda?" "No, I'm good."

Then she goes to the fridge, gets an iced tea, and adds it to the group of her three drinks already at the kitchen table.

I'm trying to figure out what it is she wants, but it's a little awkward. Maybe not unlike living with anyone you don't know all that well. I make a point to "happen to wander through" whatever room she's in every few minutes. Just now I found her stacking up children's books. Maybe she's cleaning up?

She seems like she's unable to do much, but of course if she were to start cleaning up, I suppose that would be good for her. As long as she doesn't feel like she needs to clean up. I have a hunch that once I told her Michele was out running errands, she got an age-old, uncontrollable urge to help out. For example, once she was in the kitchen, she picked up an empty laundry basket and put it in her walker as if she was going to go downstairs and empty the dryer!

I put in "Love in the Afternoon", the classic Audrey Hepburn / Gary Cooper movie for her, and I think she'll settle in and watch that. After all, doing all that laundry is bound to make her tired.

What's for dinner in the morning?

Things are settling into a rhythm now, 11 days after Dee Dee has moved in. Michele and I have gotten our crash course in what her grandma can and can't do, and Dee Dee has figured out where we keep the potato salad.

Michele and I have been talking about how to get Dee Dee to eat more healthily. She had lost some weight before she moved into Gardenview, but then she gained a bunch due to regular eating and (near constant) snacking. I think some of her clothes may be getting tight. So add "nutritionist" to the list of Michele's jobs.

This is another area where it's tempting to treat Dee Dee like one of our little girls. But you can't really tell her not to eat something, or she's had enough. If I get to be 80 years old, dadgummit, you can't tell me not to eat 63 chicken nuggets; I'm a grown man!

At Michele's suggestion, I had bought some deli potato salad for Dee Dee. None of us care for the stuff. But once Dee Dee figured out it was in the refrigerator, it was devoured in short order. That day, she had breakfast, then second breakfast potato salad, then elevensies of potato salad, then lunch.

It's become apparent that:

1. Dee Dee often doesn't know what time of day it is, so she eats breakfast for dinner and vice versa.
2. She doesn't remember when or what she last ate.
3. She eats either out of lumberjackian hunger or boredom - I haven't yet decided.
4. She'll finish whatever you put in front of her.
   
5. There is no cookie she doesn't love.
   

Typically, we get the food for her that she requests. But now that she's figured out where we keep certain items in the fridge, she's helping herself more. That's great on one level, but it makes it harder to help her eat right.

For now, our strategy is to keep more fruit on hand that she likes, and to not buy the cheese curls she ate all the time at Gardenview. But heaven help us once she figures out how to get food out of the pantry...

Who is Dee Dee

Dee Dee is the nickname of Michele's grandmother, given to her by one of her grandkids who was too young to say "Grandma". Or that's the story I've heard. Born in 1920, she was married to Harry for over 54 years. She has three children, nine grandchildren, and eight great-grandchildren and lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

Recently, she got to the point where she could no longer live by herself, and the family was able to check her in to a dementia-care facility (Gardenview, at the corner of Big Bend and Dougherty Ferry). After much deliberation, Michele (her granddaughter) and I (Brian) decided to have her move in with us. This is the blog of taking care of an elderly grandmother while trying to raise kids and live "normal" lives.

I suppose the target audience would be people interested in our private lives, those who know Dee Dee, and anyone who is taking care or thinking of taking care of an elderly relative. Michele and I will both be making posts, hopefully pretty often!